I'm gonna be a lady someday

I spent a significant amount of time sans TylerJ. and I didn't even miss him. Until today. I went to the aquarium with Kevin, and Durae, and I missed Tyler immensely. Later we went to the beach, and Tyler stopped by on his break, of course we hugged and told each other we missed us. I feel like I had one step forward and two steps back, I need to learn to love my independence. Though admittedly I am no longer as dependent upon him, I still seem to want him in my life, I wish I didn't.


The girl I was half interested now has a boyfriend which is kind of shitty, but she is pretty sweet, and I am anxious to be her friend. Also, I am back in Vancouver, and teh sun is shining. Life is beautiful.

Today will be better I swear

I am in Prince George once again. The trip was on my terms this time, which is a start. I have been battling and making up with mother for a month or so now, we have a lunch date tomorrow. Hopefully things will go well. I have begun to distance myself from Tyler, it has been over a week since we last saw each other, I think we are kind of fighting, surprise surprise. The independence is good for me, I needed it. I crave it. I don't know what to do with it now that I have it.

I changed my POF account to looking for a woman, and I have found a woman that holds my interest. She is quite cute, and bisexual as well, which is always a good thing. We have only been talking so far, we have not met in person yet, though hopefully we will get a chance as soon as I'm back. I have given up on my crush on Durae, though I do like her, in both senses of the word, her friendship is vital to me, a relationship with her is not.

dun dun dun dun dudududu dun dun

Somewhere along my trips between Vancouver, Prince George and Grande Prairie, I lost myself. I am not sure when, or who I was with when it disappeared. Maybe someone stole it. Maybe, I never truly had a hold on myself. I can't remember where I end and Tyler begins, sometimes I start to do something, and I realize, it is not I that loves this movie, this color, or this game. It is Tyler. I miss me.
Tyler and I began as two separate trees, with our own roots, individual colors, and characters. We grew bigger, our worlds shrank. Eventually we had no where to grow, but into one another, before we knew it, we had been irreversibly entangled. His branches now weave amongst mine, my roots unable to hold me but with the strength of his. It is possible, if separated now, we could go on to live big, strong, healthy lives, with only a few indentations, few remnants of the towering strength we had been. The scarring would be minimal, a few oddities in our structure, nooks and crannies that once held each other, but survive we would. I am worried that if we continue to grow together, me giving him everything I can, that he will flourish, and I, will die.

New post

I feel foolish writing into an abyss. What makes me think I'm so special that people will want to read about my life. Do I actually think people will read about my life? Do I care? Blogging is stupid. But so is keeping a journal. I am finding everything stupid lately.
Summer has basically arrived, and my days have been delightful. Am I the only one that feels beautiful in the sun, despite my freckles? Today I went with Travis to the beach, and we watched the sunset. We talked about the things going on in our lives, and the fight we recently had. Things have really been sailing along nicely for me lately. Is it selfish of me to believe it has much to do with my not speaking to my mother for the past month?
I went to the doctor, for my follow up appointment. Apparently I am a classic depressive, and have a serious anxiety disorder. It is his belief that once I am medicated for these two things, my "seizures" will cease. Cross your fingers for me. So, I guess I am not crazy as I had feared, I am relatively normal in fact.

Got yourself another hour, and you gave half of it to me

Today was a gold star day. I was accepted to the fashion marketing program I was longing for, I was asked by two different people to model for them, one for a pinup calendar, and the other for a portfolio building shoot. Of course, both of these are hugely beneficial to me as well, they serve my vanity well. I needed today.
In other news, I am having my tooth pulled tomorrow, pray for me?

Granville & Smithe is the last place I recall having heart

Have Heart. Have Heart. Have Heart. Have Heart.

Because my life was not nearly in the desperate state of confusion I like best, I decided to amp it up. I went to my friend Bethany's "MeatAPalooza" with a case of Bud Light Lime, and a package of veggie dogs. I had Katrina at my side, just in case I seizured (Thankyou, I am aware that "seizured" is not actually a word) all over the floor. I was fairly intent on giving out the obligatory hugs, accompanied by, "Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long, you look gorgeous, I missed you" having some boy cook my dogs, eat, drink and Katrina and I would go to bed...
Of course, things did not go that way, the barbeque ran out of propane, so a very tall boy in seven A-pocket jeans offered to cook them for me. I said yes, he did. I later went outside to smoke, he came out to smoke a joint. He told me he was in construction, I explained to him that he was not fitting into my stereotypes, construction workers didn't dress as beautifully as he was. He then told me he was straight, again I explained about the stereotypes, men dressed as he was, I automatically labelled as gay. I also told him, if it hadn't been for that label, I most likely wouldn't have been talking to him. Because I love the 'mos. Also, his name, is Tyler.
By the end of the night I was wearing his elbow patched cardigan, and we had already been making out for hours. When he went to leave, I asked if he wanted my number, he said, "I guess so" took it, and kissed me goodbye. I will probably never hear from him, because rejection is my game.
Last night after feeling a touch deflated from Thursday nights excursion, I headed to Duraes, now I know that I am treading in dangerous waters, if she finds out how I feel about her, it would probably do irreparable damage to our friendship, but I can't help myself. CJ was there. We all hung out for a while, ate some junkfood, I was all cuddled up on the couch with Durae. Tyson came home hammered, we went outside for a smoke, he said, "Rachel, you just have to go for it with CJ, just push yourself onto him, he isn't going to say no." So I did. That night when we all headed for bed, I got in his bed, telling Durae, "Don't worry about it love, I'll get cuddly with CJ tonight." Then I went upstairs, CJ followed about half an hour later, and when he did, he saw I was in his bed for real, closed his bedroom door and went and slept on the couch. Seriously, rejection is my best game.

I dont know who I am this week

I never believed in bisexuality, I figured it was only a stepping stone to one side or another. I always thought girls who identified as bisexual were really only the partisexuals, the kind that seek male attention by making out with a woman. I believed that males identifying as bisexual were just afraid to identify as homosexual. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying this with any sort of malice or homophobia, solely ignorance.
When Tyler first came out to me, he told me he was bisexual, I told him that I didn't think he was really being honest, that he had to pick a team. I told him not to try and spare my feelings with this bisexual bullshit, our entire relationship was a lie, and that was okay, I loved him anyway. A month or two later he began identifying as gay, that was all the proof that bisexuality did not exist that my tiny mind needed. However I have found myself in a very uncomfortable situation, I am sexually attracted to a good friend of mine, and her roommate, CJ, at the same time. Could I be more of a confused mess? I have always been kind of interested in women, but it was never very strong, always easy to ignore, and pass off as normal hormonal things, this time is different... I want to hold her hand when we walk together, I want her to kiss me instead of hug me hello, I want her to know how much I mean it when I tell her she's beautiful. I want to sleep beside her, I want to be the big spoon, I want to have sex with her, I want to spend all my time with her. Then I go to her house, where CJ is sitting on the couch playing video games, and I want him, I want him to kiss me, touch me, hold me, the only difference is I want him to be big spoon.
When I first told Durae that I thought I might possibly be interested in women, she was super supportive, and told me about her belief that there aren't really any lines in sexuality, that a person can be just attracted to someone of their own sex, as the opposite. She doesn't believe that there even are "teams" as I do, she believes we're all switch hitters. She has never told me however, what she identifies as. I would like to believe she is open to the idea of dating a girl, in particular, me. I just don't know how to bring it up to her. It doesn't help that because I am so confused by my own sexuality I have recanted my statement several times, always reinstating my lesbian tendancies later. AWKWARD.

I still crumble at your name

Yesterday was glorious, I went to the dentist, was given some painkillers, and finally felt like a real person again. Durae came over, we decided to go for a nature walk down by the river near my house. Off in the distance we saw some baby ducks, though we knew it was going to be muddy, we decided to go for it. What we did not anticipate was just how muddy we were about to get. Sandy river beds are more like quicksand than anything else, we ended up thigh deep in mud, a few times we were worried for our survival, and more importantly the survival of our shoes. Of course by the time we actually got to where the ducklings had been, we were covered in mud, and a touch nervous about trying to make our way back. Fear of death did not stop us from taking a few photographs along the way.
By the time we got back to my house the electricians were outside loading up their van, they just stared at us, I imagine they would have laughed but probably figured laughing at the bosses daughter was a bad idea. They laughed later. We looked ridiculous, but it was probably the most fun I have had in a very long time.
After we hosed ourselves off, had our fill of mushroom soup and dutch chocolate flavored coffee, read all of my fashion magazines, discussed which houses we loved this season, and which we hated, and looked at all of my grandmothers old jewelry, Katrina came over. We spent the rest of the evening singing ABBA at the top of our lungs, driving around in her daddy's truck. Sometimes I forget how amazing my girlfriends are.

Even smiling makes my face ache

My "date" didn't go very well. He isn't interested in me, he didn't even try to make a move, I felt so silly. We were sitting at the movie, and when our friend Dave arrived, he insisted on sitting beside CJ, making me switch seats with him. I was not pleased. Evidently I need to just give up on him, take a hint from He's Just Not That Into Me.
I went to the beach with CJ yesterday, and we hunted for starfish. He eventually even found me a pretty purple one. Finally he was able to pry it off the rocks for me to take home. But the Tyler came along and made me feel like an awful murderous wench for wanting it, and he threw it back into the ocean. It was a sad day for me, and probably the starfish as well, as I imagine he died anyway. Also, my tooth was killing me, but I was trying to act like I was fine, and be all cool about everything, so I probably was a bit of a Debbie Downer.
My tooth has abscessed I think, so I've spent the past two days swallowing Tylenol like candy, and dousing my mouth in oragel, though it still has kind of crippled me. I have done nothing but lay on the couch, and whine to my empty house. Though today I switched it up a bit, and cried to myself. I'm in too much pain to even smoke, it's ridiculous. My family came home early today, and now I'm crying to my father and my step-mom is trying to discover cures. I sat with a teabag in my mouth for twenty minutes.. It was disgusting and did not help. I currently have an icepak lodged up against my face, and thankgod, it's actually helping a bit, it has taken my pain from a 10 to a bearable 8.5. I am currently watching a Real Housewives marathon. I just love these crazy bitches.

And how did that make you feel

So today, I was invited to an impromptu lunch with CJ, of course this got me all excited, as it would be the first time we ever really hung out one on one. So I got dressed hastily, threw on some makeup, and headed out the door. When I arrived home, I was posting Stars lyrics on his wall.

"Note to single M, why did you not show up, I waited for an hour, then finally gave up."

Needless to say, he didn't show. I went home sad, and feeling stupid. Being as I am a sucker for punishment, and I love rejection so much, I am still going to the movie tomorrow night, on our group date or whatever bullshit we planned. I am displeased, and now am being a moody little bitch.

I'm Mr. Cellophane

You can walk right by me. So I think I have a possible date on Thursday.. With a boy I've had a grade school crush on for quite a while, here's the problem, I just don't know if it's a real date or not. Though I do have an outfit picked out..
- Vintage flower dress
- Wilfred Blazer
- Vintage necklaces
- Steve Madden pumps.
Anyways, I like him, I've been crushing for a while, and it's nearly summer, time for a fling. Of course, because we're all back in highschool again, I told a friend, who told a friend, who told another friend, who told him. How grade ten is my life right now? Anyways, here's our conversation in a nutshell.
"Hey, I'm going to the beach tmo, want to come?"
"I can't, I have school stuff. I wish I could though, sorry"
"Oh, okay. Well if your ever ready to stop rejecting me, I'll let you make it up to me"
"Well there's a bunch of us going to a movie this week, want to come?"
"yeah sure!"
"Tickets will be pretty hard to get though"
"Okay.. Don't invite me if you don't want me to come silly boy"
"I wouldn't have brought it up if that was the case"
"Okay, get my ticket when you get yours then?"
"Yes, I will. Even though I'm super broke."
Any advice. Does he like me? Does he want me there? Is this a date, or a friend activity? Does group dating even really exist? Ugh, I hate boys. This is why I only hang out with gay boys.

He will never love you like I do

The funeral was sad, but fortunately all the family was calm and in a forgiving kind of mood. I was able to reconnect with all my brothers, because they all showed! My oldest brother arrived at the hotel half dressed as we all were beginning the procession to the cemetery, but he hopped into his pants, and back into his car, and though he kind of ruined the order we had all agreed on by being the last car, he was there. I stood alone during the service trying not to cry, and I succeeded almost. There were a few tears, but no major breakdown, and when the pastor went to place the lid onto the vault, he nearly fell in, which lightened the mood a touch. My siblings and I were able to reconnect, we went out to the pub on the last night and just caught up on each others lives, two of my brothers had no idea I had even been sick, and I had no idea that they had both moved, and that one was engaged. We have said (yet again) that this time we will visit each other more, and try to keep in touch. I had the same conversation with my brother the last time I talked to him... four years ago. My brothers were my silver lining this weekend, had it not been for reconnecting this would have been a terribly heartbreaking time.

Don't sing, please. It frightens me.

This too shall pass.

Sometimes you gotta ask why later

Happy Easter! I've been home for a few days now, it has been snowing, and I continuously wake up to frost. It's funny how quickly you adjust to warmer weather, though I grew up in Prince George, coming back has been a complete shock to my system, I can't get warm. Although it may help if I wore pants.
I am sure I have gained about ten pounds in the four days I've been here, what is it about stress and Grandma's house that leads to an insatiable appetite? It's ridiculous, I have eaten more ice cream than you can imagine. I've been eating fried chicken, breads, all kinds of cheeses. Also, being as it's easter, I've consumed my weight in candy and chocolate. I am disgusting, but I love it.
My mom is in the hospital now, she will be in isolation for another day or so, I won't even get to see her before I have to return to Vancouver to travel with my dad for my Grandma's funeral. I haven't yet decided if I will be returning to Prince George directly afterwords in order to look after my moms financial obligations. I need to find a new job now, so I'm kind of torn.

I'll lose my head, but keep my nose clean

I went to another doctor two days ago, after seeing the first and agreeing that I do have a mild case of chronic depression. At this second appointment, they were making me do all kinds of tests in order to build a psychological profile, I guess it helps to discern the best treatment path for me. Anyways, at one point during one of the many pre-school level tests, I exclaimed, "Oh my god, this is ridiculous, I'm just going to kill myself." Now, I don't know if any of you have ever spent any time in a psychologists office, but you can imagine, that this isn't an appropriate response to anything, but it was one I use so often it just came out before I had a chance to stop it. Needless to say, I fumbled all over myself in order to makeup for saying that, which I'm sure only increased my level of crazy. I did a multitude of tests for about five hours, after I left, I went over to dear TearBear's for a lovely dinner, some of the worst wine I have ever had, and a game of scattegories. It was a lovely evening.

Yesterday, I got a call from my aunt saying that I needed to come home, I of course, was half dressed and just getting ready to leave for work. That was around 8:00 am, I was on a plane at 10:00, after having gotten fired for not showing up to work, leaving my headphones at home, and realizing as I got on the bus, that I still had half of one of the two outfits I was wearing on. So I was wearing thick black leggings, with an above the knee black dress, and an acid wash cardigan. I looked ridiculous. My adventure at the airport was kicked off with a half hour long line up to check in, having bought my ticket over the phone on the way, I hadn't been able to check in online. I finally got through and up to security, where they made me take off my shoes, (canvas lace-ups, not heels) I was not wearing socks. They then gave me a complete pat down search. I was thrilled.
I did finally get back home, and my mother had already gone off to Quesnel, as she is in one of her manic episodes, and I cannot seem to get her to come home. Nor do I know what to do when I do finally get her home. FML. I can't wait to my therapist about this one.

Beats me

I am going to the doctor today. I am going to talk to her about what I think is depression. It's time to get help. I fought with Tyler yesterday, of course. I also think it's time I distanced myself from him, though I love him dearly, our friendship is toxic. I have been pushing away all the friends that care for me a great deal, and have been pushing for me to get help, and get happy. I have been clinging to those like Tyler, who allow me to walk tall for months, until everything around me finally brings me to my knees, I have a breakdown of sorts, and the next morning, I act as if it's all okay. Tye lets me pretend, whether it's because he doesn't much care, or if it's because he thinks that is what I need, I am not sure.
On another note, have you seen this seasons Chanel? I am not impressed, Karl Lagerfeld, what happened? I feel like we've seen all of that before... Did anyone see Vogues tribute to Alexander McQueen, it was quite lovely.

I am not the star to guide you anymore

6. My Grandmother died yesterday.
7. I am a kind of mess, being as selfish as I am, I am not even sure if it has more to do with my own health and mental well being, than the death of my grandma.
8. I listened to two boys have sex last night, while I seizured on the floor.
9. I am lonely. Sad and lonely. I wish to be a robot like Tyler, nothing makes him feel anything, I want to be blissfully broken as he is. Instead I'm just kind of broken, I'm stuck on feeling, and constantly running on emotion. I am a feeler, not a thinker.
10. I smoke too much. And I don't even like it anymore, I'm just bored.

I just don't know what to tell you, it's almost funny now

1. I am not afraid of success, I am so terrified of failure, that I would rather not try. I know that " You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" but I do not care. I would rather say, "I won't" than, "I couldn't". This is true for everything in my life, from cranium to my career, I would rather not try, than try and fail.

2. Every person in my life, thinks that my best friend is bad for me, I do not disagree, nor do I know how to let the boy leave without watching him go. I love him, I think... At the very least, I need him. I need him to need me too. Maybe I am still in love with him, or maybe I never was, I do not understand the way I feel about him, but I don't want a life without him. He is Will, I am Grace.

3. I have seizures, or tremors, or fits, or whatever this weeks doctor decides to call them. I do not know why, I am not even entirely convinced that it's not all just in my head, maybe I'm crazy. I am starting to use them as an excuse for everything. I am becoming dependent on my disorder.

4. I have serious Daddy issues, I am both terrified and in awe of my Father, I love him, and I am so insecure about his love for me. I know it is a ridiculous insecurity, but it is mine.

5. My best friend tells me I am fat. I believe him. I want to change, I want to lose a significant amount of weight, but I am too lazy to actually do anything about it. I aim for heroin chic kind of skinny. The kind of skinny that looks unhealthy, that kind of beauty is what I want.

Keep the line between the past and the present

Maybe you can go. Anytime you feel like coming out.
Well, the friendship remained in tact, which may or may not be a good thing. I am sure it is a good thing, everybody needs somebody and all that jazz. He may be a terrible friend, but he is quite the little lad, and he makes me laugh, most of the time. The surprise twist this week, he is dating a boy I went to highschool with, what are the chances. It is a teeny tiny world. I am lonely. Perpetually.
Manhattan Transfer is coming to Vancouver, on the 29th. I am considering asking Daddy to be my date, is that super lame of me? Or super awesome? I cannot decide.
My life reeks of coffee and cigarettes, with a faint hint of honey. I have recently rediscovered my love for honey, and now I'm eating that shit on everything.

There'll be fog on the shore

I got real sad last night, so I went out, and got gloriously drunk, I had no desire to be alone, so I went to the bar to be picked up, mission almost accomplished, but I was foiled by my dear friend Katrina. Thankgod for her. I am, angry with Tyler, for letting me leave his house knowing what kind of state I was in. (Being both extremely upset, and too drunk) I am angry with him for not being a better friend, I am angry with him for only caring about me when I'm caring about him. I am angry at myself for letting him let me down time and time again. You would think a girl would learn. I then of course ended up having multiple seizures on her living room floor. Of course my daddy was called, and now, I have moved back in with him. Sometimes I hate all things.

We just have some things we have to say

I have returned. I am in one piece, and my friendship with Tyler is seemingly strained. Let us see what the week brings. Daddy and I bonded, I may be moving back home in the coming months. Bleh. Life is not currently satisfying me.
I am proud of myself, even though I am an emotional cancer, I did not cry at the sight of my grandma being unable to move, or swallow. She didn't even know who I was, or even who my father was, it was heartbreaking, but I did not cry. I didn't even shed a tear, I am okay. I am well. I remember her as a spunky eighty year old woman, with dark (fake) brown hair, telling me stories about my dad, bossing me around, "goddamn" ing everything. She was a typical grandmother in that she baked, and knit, but she swore constantly, spoke too loudly, and was too harsh. I love her, she was a lovely lady.

Until you notice me

I will be leaving any minute. Wish me luck.

You didn't have anything written down?

Tomorrow is the day. I will not only be in a confined space with my father for an extended period of time, I will also be trying to prepare myself emotionally for a grandmother that is not the same spunky woman I so admired years ago. Though a part of me is hoping my family is being over dramatic, and things are not truly as bad as they seem, I know that the odds are slim she will even know who I am, let alone be ready to talk about her love for elephants and gripe about the color of my hair. I have been told she is covered in bruises, exceptionally thin, and utters only a few words daily.
My daddy and I have spent less than a collective five hours together in the past three months, our relationship has been strained at best, and his steadfast dislike for Tyler doesn't help things, nor does my dating a man only a few years younger than him.
Nakusp doesn't have cell service, not that I aim to sound like a little bitch, but... how am I going to live? I am hoping to god my aunt has wireless internet. Also, being as I am now a full blown smoker, I am a touch concerned about the family discovering my dirty little secret. I have all kinds of secrets, all kinds of skeletons. Here's to hoping none of them will be watching for smoke signals.

Inhale, exhale. Right foot forward, left foot forward kind of day

Sometimes it takes me a moment or two to realize what kind of garbage I've just spewed, or even a day or two to accept that I've acted like a complete ass. In most cases, I do the obligatory apologizing and leave things at that. Occasionally, I make an exception, and am ornery and entirely unpleasant for no reason, knowing full well what I'm doing is wrong, and I do it anyway because I can. I thought that phase had ended in highschool, thought I had matured. I have not. I have been a complete bitch bag to everyone around me lately, I dont know why, but I'm not stopping.
I want a cigarette, but dont want to stand in the rain. Im always fighting with something, but it's usually just myself.

I got so city girl on you

I have been seeing a man for the past few months. He is entirely different from the majority of guys I get myself into, as he is entirely heterosexual, basically married, and more than twenty years older than I am. He has been a test of my own moral boundaries, and I am begining to understand that I have little to no morals.
My original plan was to not get emotionally attached, to just have a kind of hedonistic mean nothing relationship. It's not quite working out that way, I'm getting more and more attached to him, and after almost four months of polite dating, we're making plans to get a hotel. Though I have told him it's what I want, I don't know if it really is. I am afraid I guess. The thought of him going home to another woman didn't bother me at first, but it's starting to nag at the bag of my mind, I'm finding myself getting jealous, and a touch insecure. I hate that feeling. I seem to seek out men who are entirely unavailable, fml.

It looks that easy

"So you're telling me that you moved to Vancouver in October, moved to a new place, and found out your boyfriend was gay in November, moved to another new place in December, have only had approximately 3-4 hours of sleep a night since November, ended up in a coma in January, and now you think I should let you go home? Do you realize that you spent time on life support? Ms. Bates, do you understand what that means?"

How was your new years? Did you all have a good time? I hope so. I ended up having seizures and wound up in a coma for a few days. I woke up and forgot that Tyler was not my boyfriend, and was in fact my homosexual best friend. I finally made it out of the hospital at the end of January, and after having to live with my father for a while, I am finally back at my new apartment, and back at work full time. My life is a complete mess. I am okay with this. My job is moderately satisfying, my apartment is tiny, and my roommate is a touch annoying, but I'm happy for the most part.

I am however afraid that I may actually be a crazy person. My doctors think that my seizures are psychological more than physical. I keep skipping my appointments because I am afraid of what they'll tell me. I know I should want to find out what the problem is, but I'm afraid that I'll walk in as a normal person, and leave as a bi-polar medicated mess.