Beats me

I am going to the doctor today. I am going to talk to her about what I think is depression. It's time to get help. I fought with Tyler yesterday, of course. I also think it's time I distanced myself from him, though I love him dearly, our friendship is toxic. I have been pushing away all the friends that care for me a great deal, and have been pushing for me to get help, and get happy. I have been clinging to those like Tyler, who allow me to walk tall for months, until everything around me finally brings me to my knees, I have a breakdown of sorts, and the next morning, I act as if it's all okay. Tye lets me pretend, whether it's because he doesn't much care, or if it's because he thinks that is what I need, I am not sure.
On another note, have you seen this seasons Chanel? I am not impressed, Karl Lagerfeld, what happened? I feel like we've seen all of that before... Did anyone see Vogues tribute to Alexander McQueen, it was quite lovely.

I am not the star to guide you anymore

6. My Grandmother died yesterday.
7. I am a kind of mess, being as selfish as I am, I am not even sure if it has more to do with my own health and mental well being, than the death of my grandma.
8. I listened to two boys have sex last night, while I seizured on the floor.
9. I am lonely. Sad and lonely. I wish to be a robot like Tyler, nothing makes him feel anything, I want to be blissfully broken as he is. Instead I'm just kind of broken, I'm stuck on feeling, and constantly running on emotion. I am a feeler, not a thinker.
10. I smoke too much. And I don't even like it anymore, I'm just bored.

I just don't know what to tell you, it's almost funny now

1. I am not afraid of success, I am so terrified of failure, that I would rather not try. I know that " You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" but I do not care. I would rather say, "I won't" than, "I couldn't". This is true for everything in my life, from cranium to my career, I would rather not try, than try and fail.

2. Every person in my life, thinks that my best friend is bad for me, I do not disagree, nor do I know how to let the boy leave without watching him go. I love him, I think... At the very least, I need him. I need him to need me too. Maybe I am still in love with him, or maybe I never was, I do not understand the way I feel about him, but I don't want a life without him. He is Will, I am Grace.

3. I have seizures, or tremors, or fits, or whatever this weeks doctor decides to call them. I do not know why, I am not even entirely convinced that it's not all just in my head, maybe I'm crazy. I am starting to use them as an excuse for everything. I am becoming dependent on my disorder.

4. I have serious Daddy issues, I am both terrified and in awe of my Father, I love him, and I am so insecure about his love for me. I know it is a ridiculous insecurity, but it is mine.

5. My best friend tells me I am fat. I believe him. I want to change, I want to lose a significant amount of weight, but I am too lazy to actually do anything about it. I aim for heroin chic kind of skinny. The kind of skinny that looks unhealthy, that kind of beauty is what I want.

Keep the line between the past and the present

Maybe you can go. Anytime you feel like coming out.
Well, the friendship remained in tact, which may or may not be a good thing. I am sure it is a good thing, everybody needs somebody and all that jazz. He may be a terrible friend, but he is quite the little lad, and he makes me laugh, most of the time. The surprise twist this week, he is dating a boy I went to highschool with, what are the chances. It is a teeny tiny world. I am lonely. Perpetually.
Manhattan Transfer is coming to Vancouver, on the 29th. I am considering asking Daddy to be my date, is that super lame of me? Or super awesome? I cannot decide.
My life reeks of coffee and cigarettes, with a faint hint of honey. I have recently rediscovered my love for honey, and now I'm eating that shit on everything.

There'll be fog on the shore

I got real sad last night, so I went out, and got gloriously drunk, I had no desire to be alone, so I went to the bar to be picked up, mission almost accomplished, but I was foiled by my dear friend Katrina. Thankgod for her. I am, angry with Tyler, for letting me leave his house knowing what kind of state I was in. (Being both extremely upset, and too drunk) I am angry with him for not being a better friend, I am angry with him for only caring about me when I'm caring about him. I am angry at myself for letting him let me down time and time again. You would think a girl would learn. I then of course ended up having multiple seizures on her living room floor. Of course my daddy was called, and now, I have moved back in with him. Sometimes I hate all things.

We just have some things we have to say

I have returned. I am in one piece, and my friendship with Tyler is seemingly strained. Let us see what the week brings. Daddy and I bonded, I may be moving back home in the coming months. Bleh. Life is not currently satisfying me.
I am proud of myself, even though I am an emotional cancer, I did not cry at the sight of my grandma being unable to move, or swallow. She didn't even know who I was, or even who my father was, it was heartbreaking, but I did not cry. I didn't even shed a tear, I am okay. I am well. I remember her as a spunky eighty year old woman, with dark (fake) brown hair, telling me stories about my dad, bossing me around, "goddamn" ing everything. She was a typical grandmother in that she baked, and knit, but she swore constantly, spoke too loudly, and was too harsh. I love her, she was a lovely lady.

Until you notice me

I will be leaving any minute. Wish me luck.

You didn't have anything written down?

Tomorrow is the day. I will not only be in a confined space with my father for an extended period of time, I will also be trying to prepare myself emotionally for a grandmother that is not the same spunky woman I so admired years ago. Though a part of me is hoping my family is being over dramatic, and things are not truly as bad as they seem, I know that the odds are slim she will even know who I am, let alone be ready to talk about her love for elephants and gripe about the color of my hair. I have been told she is covered in bruises, exceptionally thin, and utters only a few words daily.
My daddy and I have spent less than a collective five hours together in the past three months, our relationship has been strained at best, and his steadfast dislike for Tyler doesn't help things, nor does my dating a man only a few years younger than him.
Nakusp doesn't have cell service, not that I aim to sound like a little bitch, but... how am I going to live? I am hoping to god my aunt has wireless internet. Also, being as I am now a full blown smoker, I am a touch concerned about the family discovering my dirty little secret. I have all kinds of secrets, all kinds of skeletons. Here's to hoping none of them will be watching for smoke signals.