It's time to let go. For real this time, not time to find a new vice, or pretend I have moved forward, while still running back to what we once were, what we had. Maybe we never even had it, maybe we just thought we did, maybe I just thought I did. I choose to believe it was ours, and though it was a messy troubled affair, our love was beautiful, and new and helped shaped the people we both have now become. I know he changed me for the better, and I hope he'll always be in my life, I hope he will allow me to stay in his. Tyler has showed me parts of myself that I had no idea were there. In him I found I safe place to explore my sexuality, and a partner in all kinds of crime, he encouraged my dream of being a writer, and nurtured my independence. In being with him I learned what love was, and what it felt like to be truly disappointed, he broke my heart the first time, and the second. In terms of a first love, he was a good one. It terms of a boyfriend, he was dreadful, as a friend, we shall see. First off, I must learn to stop wanting him, must learn to accept defeat, to accept that we will never touch lips again. I just cant help myself, the sex was amazing, I was getting used to multiple orgasms, and I miss his small hips. His smile wasn't half bad either, and waking up to his warmth and groggy voice wasn't wretched.
I have waited twelve months for letters that will never come. Spent twelve months waiting for tangible proof that he loved me entirely, because he let me down so many times that just his words were no longer enough.
Husky rescue is currently soothing my heart, thankyou Ryan for the introduction. I have been searching online for a delightful bedding set, failure entirely. I need to buy a coat tree, and a garbage can. I need to be busier, and though I have much to do, I am doing nothing. I am longing for London, but my whole "London is for lovers" bit has tainted things. Twitter is consuming my time, in a way that outdoor activities never could.
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