I'm gonna be a lady someday

I spent a significant amount of time sans TylerJ. and I didn't even miss him. Until today. I went to the aquarium with Kevin, and Durae, and I missed Tyler immensely. Later we went to the beach, and Tyler stopped by on his break, of course we hugged and told each other we missed us. I feel like I had one step forward and two steps back, I need to learn to love my independence. Though admittedly I am no longer as dependent upon him, I still seem to want him in my life, I wish I didn't.


The girl I was half interested now has a boyfriend which is kind of shitty, but she is pretty sweet, and I am anxious to be her friend. Also, I am back in Vancouver, and teh sun is shining. Life is beautiful.

Today will be better I swear

I am in Prince George once again. The trip was on my terms this time, which is a start. I have been battling and making up with mother for a month or so now, we have a lunch date tomorrow. Hopefully things will go well. I have begun to distance myself from Tyler, it has been over a week since we last saw each other, I think we are kind of fighting, surprise surprise. The independence is good for me, I needed it. I crave it. I don't know what to do with it now that I have it.

I changed my POF account to looking for a woman, and I have found a woman that holds my interest. She is quite cute, and bisexual as well, which is always a good thing. We have only been talking so far, we have not met in person yet, though hopefully we will get a chance as soon as I'm back. I have given up on my crush on Durae, though I do like her, in both senses of the word, her friendship is vital to me, a relationship with her is not.

dun dun dun dun dudududu dun dun

Somewhere along my trips between Vancouver, Prince George and Grande Prairie, I lost myself. I am not sure when, or who I was with when it disappeared. Maybe someone stole it. Maybe, I never truly had a hold on myself. I can't remember where I end and Tyler begins, sometimes I start to do something, and I realize, it is not I that loves this movie, this color, or this game. It is Tyler. I miss me.
Tyler and I began as two separate trees, with our own roots, individual colors, and characters. We grew bigger, our worlds shrank. Eventually we had no where to grow, but into one another, before we knew it, we had been irreversibly entangled. His branches now weave amongst mine, my roots unable to hold me but with the strength of his. It is possible, if separated now, we could go on to live big, strong, healthy lives, with only a few indentations, few remnants of the towering strength we had been. The scarring would be minimal, a few oddities in our structure, nooks and crannies that once held each other, but survive we would. I am worried that if we continue to grow together, me giving him everything I can, that he will flourish, and I, will die.

New post

I feel foolish writing into an abyss. What makes me think I'm so special that people will want to read about my life. Do I actually think people will read about my life? Do I care? Blogging is stupid. But so is keeping a journal. I am finding everything stupid lately.
Summer has basically arrived, and my days have been delightful. Am I the only one that feels beautiful in the sun, despite my freckles? Today I went with Travis to the beach, and we watched the sunset. We talked about the things going on in our lives, and the fight we recently had. Things have really been sailing along nicely for me lately. Is it selfish of me to believe it has much to do with my not speaking to my mother for the past month?
I went to the doctor, for my follow up appointment. Apparently I am a classic depressive, and have a serious anxiety disorder. It is his belief that once I am medicated for these two things, my "seizures" will cease. Cross your fingers for me. So, I guess I am not crazy as I had feared, I am relatively normal in fact.

Got yourself another hour, and you gave half of it to me

Today was a gold star day. I was accepted to the fashion marketing program I was longing for, I was asked by two different people to model for them, one for a pinup calendar, and the other for a portfolio building shoot. Of course, both of these are hugely beneficial to me as well, they serve my vanity well. I needed today.
In other news, I am having my tooth pulled tomorrow, pray for me?

Granville & Smithe is the last place I recall having heart

Have Heart. Have Heart. Have Heart. Have Heart.

Because my life was not nearly in the desperate state of confusion I like best, I decided to amp it up. I went to my friend Bethany's "MeatAPalooza" with a case of Bud Light Lime, and a package of veggie dogs. I had Katrina at my side, just in case I seizured (Thankyou, I am aware that "seizured" is not actually a word) all over the floor. I was fairly intent on giving out the obligatory hugs, accompanied by, "Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long, you look gorgeous, I missed you" having some boy cook my dogs, eat, drink and Katrina and I would go to bed...
Of course, things did not go that way, the barbeque ran out of propane, so a very tall boy in seven A-pocket jeans offered to cook them for me. I said yes, he did. I later went outside to smoke, he came out to smoke a joint. He told me he was in construction, I explained to him that he was not fitting into my stereotypes, construction workers didn't dress as beautifully as he was. He then told me he was straight, again I explained about the stereotypes, men dressed as he was, I automatically labelled as gay. I also told him, if it hadn't been for that label, I most likely wouldn't have been talking to him. Because I love the 'mos. Also, his name, is Tyler.
By the end of the night I was wearing his elbow patched cardigan, and we had already been making out for hours. When he went to leave, I asked if he wanted my number, he said, "I guess so" took it, and kissed me goodbye. I will probably never hear from him, because rejection is my game.
Last night after feeling a touch deflated from Thursday nights excursion, I headed to Duraes, now I know that I am treading in dangerous waters, if she finds out how I feel about her, it would probably do irreparable damage to our friendship, but I can't help myself. CJ was there. We all hung out for a while, ate some junkfood, I was all cuddled up on the couch with Durae. Tyson came home hammered, we went outside for a smoke, he said, "Rachel, you just have to go for it with CJ, just push yourself onto him, he isn't going to say no." So I did. That night when we all headed for bed, I got in his bed, telling Durae, "Don't worry about it love, I'll get cuddly with CJ tonight." Then I went upstairs, CJ followed about half an hour later, and when he did, he saw I was in his bed for real, closed his bedroom door and went and slept on the couch. Seriously, rejection is my best game.

I dont know who I am this week

I never believed in bisexuality, I figured it was only a stepping stone to one side or another. I always thought girls who identified as bisexual were really only the partisexuals, the kind that seek male attention by making out with a woman. I believed that males identifying as bisexual were just afraid to identify as homosexual. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying this with any sort of malice or homophobia, solely ignorance.
When Tyler first came out to me, he told me he was bisexual, I told him that I didn't think he was really being honest, that he had to pick a team. I told him not to try and spare my feelings with this bisexual bullshit, our entire relationship was a lie, and that was okay, I loved him anyway. A month or two later he began identifying as gay, that was all the proof that bisexuality did not exist that my tiny mind needed. However I have found myself in a very uncomfortable situation, I am sexually attracted to a good friend of mine, and her roommate, CJ, at the same time. Could I be more of a confused mess? I have always been kind of interested in women, but it was never very strong, always easy to ignore, and pass off as normal hormonal things, this time is different... I want to hold her hand when we walk together, I want her to kiss me instead of hug me hello, I want her to know how much I mean it when I tell her she's beautiful. I want to sleep beside her, I want to be the big spoon, I want to have sex with her, I want to spend all my time with her. Then I go to her house, where CJ is sitting on the couch playing video games, and I want him, I want him to kiss me, touch me, hold me, the only difference is I want him to be big spoon.
When I first told Durae that I thought I might possibly be interested in women, she was super supportive, and told me about her belief that there aren't really any lines in sexuality, that a person can be just attracted to someone of their own sex, as the opposite. She doesn't believe that there even are "teams" as I do, she believes we're all switch hitters. She has never told me however, what she identifies as. I would like to believe she is open to the idea of dating a girl, in particular, me. I just don't know how to bring it up to her. It doesn't help that because I am so confused by my own sexuality I have recanted my statement several times, always reinstating my lesbian tendancies later. AWKWARD.